Monday, June 14, 2010

The F Word and Other Meaningless Observations

A long time ago, one of the Wonder Twins came flying up to me in a dead run, sweating, panicked, panting out of breath, "Momma. Carter just said the "f-word"." Oh, Lord.

I took a second, thinking to myself, where in the world did he hear that from, then I decided some follow up questions were in order. I leaned in and told her to calm down, then asked the Big Question, "So, what did he say exactly?" She looked left and right to make sure the coast was clear, leaned in close and whispered, "He said the word 'fat'. And I know we don't make personal observations like that." That is the f-word at Casa Johnson--Fat. :-) Which brings us to this point in the trip when I start debating cutting back.

I know that when we go out of town on vacation or on working trips, we aren't joking about the food. We eat and eat big time. We don't even let the church pay for half of our meals because we are going to eat where and what we want. Appetizers? Great. Dessert? Great. So, I plan to gain five pounds every time we leave Randolph. It's just part of the show. I'll take it off later, but whoa, this trip, we have seriously eaten like big dogs. (It's so bad that I am thinking about having water for dinner tonight after the Red Lobster at lunch. Erg.) I'm not going to be able to fit on any of the rides at Universal at the end of the week.

We cruised through the Lifeway Bookstore on our way from Point A to Point B. They had tons of neat things on sale, so I got the shorties T-shirts (and some other special things that I can't print here because they are keeping up with us via this blog). Anyone with shorties understands that you don't go home empty handed. (Negative points in the Perfect Mommy Contest.)

Preaching was interesting this afternoon and on into tonight. Everyone who takes the platform is pushing the GCR big time (Great Commission Resurgence--and I don't have time to go into all of it here). Steve's threatening to wear a button that says, "I am with the Party of NO." (Which would crack us both up.) We are all for the Great Commission and back everything in Scripture that says we are to go into ALL of the world and preach the gospel, but frankly I'm tired of hearing how the southern states are "hogging" all of the resources and "preventing" the spread of the gospel overseas. It is simply not the truth. Even our little church in the woods gave 34% of our entire budget to missions. 34 percent of every penny that came in went directly to missions! This is amazing! GO GOD! Seven southern states give 80% of the Cooperative Program monies which is our method of funding missions both in and out of state/nation, but we aren't "doing our part"? Um, okay.

And in lighter topics, I have also made the following meaningless observations:

1) Preacher's wives fall into two distinct categories: those who look like preacher's wives and those who are trying not to look like preacher's wives.  It's basically a fashion war between sweater sets and slacks with a pristine crease versus leopard prints, sequins, and wedge shoes.

2) Everywhere I look, people have toddlers in tow. I'm not completely sure, but I think making a toddler sit quietly through 12 hours of preaching in one day might be child abuse.

3) Specific note only to the FATHERS: Your wife is not a pack mule. She should not be carrying the diaper bag, the purchases, and juggling feeding a baby and pushing the stroller while you walk ahead five paces. If I see one more woman struggling to reign in three babies while her husband wanders around in oblivion like a goober, I'm going to whip Her out and let Her rip on someone. (And we all know who She is.) I'm on Red Alert here. Being a Man of God means that God has placed you in position of SERVANT leadership. Start with your WIFE, You JERK! (I feel better already.)
So, today, to recap, we've eaten too much food, bought too much stuff, watched too many goofy people being goofy, and listened to too much propaganda. I need to torque back a little.


Jessica Jeffcoat said...

Please tell me you are wearing sequins and wedge shoes-otherwise I'm boycotting this blog if it's sweater sets and creased pants:-) It reminds me of me being at preschool teacher conventions (I have to go to two a year) and I am by far not your standard preschool teacher/Mommy...and I am thankful! I love your blog this week!

The Mother Bear said...

Never fear, Jessica. I'm wearing my biggest earring and tallest shoes. Rock on!