Monday, March 29, 2010

Wit is Paramount

Around here logic and wit are prized attributes. If you can give me a logical explanation or argument as to why you should get to so-and-so, I'll probably listen and might even change my mind. And if you can do it and be funny at the same time, well, you just might get out of any jam you find yourself in, because the other thing we hold at a premium in Johnson Land is being funny. We encourage witty comebacks, smack talk, and jacking other people (in love).

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

Lillian, running through the church parking lot, carrying/dragging a broom from the fellowship hall behind her. The Husband to Lilly, "WHAT are you DOING??!!" Lilly, smelling a beating in her near future, never missed a beat, "I've got to get started on spring cleaning, Dad!"

witty comeback + laughing daddy = no beating

It's a learned skill. I started honing it while still in my parent's home. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much, as my brother learned when my father told him to take out the garbage one afternoon and he and his nine-year-old self responded, "What do you think? Taking out the garbage is my hobby?" Now, to his credit, my father did actually laugh quite heartily as he removed his belt to administer the Memory Enhancer (as we so fondly called whippings). I assure you it worked; there were no more forgotten garbage incidents that I can recall.

Lillian playing a video game on the computer: I could hear her yelling from the other end of the house. Went into the office to fuss at my baby girl, wanting to know what her problem was--she told me to wait a minute and watch for just one more second. The bad guy began taunting her virtual character, so she threw her right arm into the air, little fingers curled into a fist and yelled, "I'm bringing the SMACK DOWN to YOUR TOWN!" (Note to self: no more unsupervised television for The Little Flower.)

Carter, who ate the centers out of 24 Oreo cookies, stuck them back together, and returned them to the package and then the cabinet: Upon discovery, when the culprit was determined, his response? "Why would I eat the parts I don't like? It's saving money to let someone else eat the cookies. It's like being a good steward. You like chocolate, don't you, Mom?" (How did this become my fault?)

Elaina's hair is about two feet long and has to be braided every night or we face a rat's nest on her head in the morning. She's growing it out for Locks of Love. One morning it was particularly bad, and as I brutally yanked the hairbrush through her tangles, I threated to cut it all off in the middle of the night if she forgot to braid it again. Her response: "Let me get this straight. You are going to throw my hair away because it's a little inconvenient for you to brush it? Well, you can call the sick children and explain what happened to their new wig, because it's a little inconvienent not having any HAIR. And if you want to make a sick kid cry, it's going to be on you." (Guilt is a powerful motivator; score two for Elaina.)

And I'm not allowed to write Elise's because it's on the Banned List of Things I Dare Not Utter Lest I Humilate My Most Precious Offspring. (There's more than one way to skin a cat.)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Mr. Sparkles

So, the part of our Destin trip where we hooked up with another branch of the Johnson Clan was interesting. Aunt Janet and her huge family went out with ours for an outing to Bay Towne Wharf. There's a place in Bay Towne that's a burger joint/diner sort of deal called Hartell's. Janet's husband, Rick the Cajun (hey, mafia lords aren't the only ones with cool nick names), chose the most interesting item on the menu--the Mr. Sparkles.

At $24.99, this burger features six grilled hamburger patties, layered with Swiss, cheddar and American cheeses, a fried egg, fried onions, sliced onions, diced onions, steamed onions, grilled onions (yes, five types of onions!) bacon, French fries, Hartell's Cincinnati-style chili, lettuce, tomato, mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, sautéed mushrooms, Hartell's special sauce, smothered with beef gravy served on a toasted bun.

And any competitive eater who can finish Mr. Sparkles gets the grand prize of a free T-shirt, which reads "I Beat Mr. Sparkles." The burger came to the table in a casserole dish with a white sparkler proclaiming this to be the mother of all burgers.

Rick took a deep breath, put his ball cap on backwards, and dug in. It was a sight to see, folks. (For those of you out of the southeastern region of the United States, turning the hat from bill forward to bill backward is the universal symbol for getting down to serious business.) Unfortunately, Uncle Rick didn't beat the Mr. Sparkles and left with major indigestion instead of a snazzy new T-Shirt, but it was a valiant effort.

Carter announced that it would make our meals more exciting at the house if I served them featuring a sparkler shoved into the middle of the food items before putting them on the table. I asked him if I should sing the Star Spangled Banner as I served. He shrugged, "Whatever, but maybe only when company comes."


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Beach House in the Family = More Vacations!

We're chillin' at the beach this week. Grandbear bought a condo (although, calling this thing a condo is sort of insulting to it--the girls say this is "fancy living right here" and I'm of a mind to agree with them). We've come to Destin for the week to see the sights. True to the Johnson Factor, it's been COLD for Spring Break. Bonus--there's a gynormous hot tub thing that's literally 14 x 14 feet and hot as a firecracker outside and behind of our building that we've worn out. The outdoor pool is also heated to tepid bath water. We're hoping for 70 degrees tomorrow to swim in it for a good long time (code for wear everyone out).

The seafood has been rocking good this trip too. We've eaten at The Crab Trap, The Back Porch, Fudpuckers (which was particularly dangerous with The Little Flower who kept saying it incorrectly), and The Smiling Fish is tomorrow on the list. We've put our toes in the ocean, ridden go karts (Lilly is a maniac!), eaten ice cream, been to Bay Towne Wharf, watched sailing vessels come in and go out, bungee jumped, walked into a magic shop, swam, played on five different playgrounds, and eaten some of the finest food along the coast. Sounds pretty good to me. Now, if I could just figure out how to come down here on a girls' vacation...don't think The Husband is falling for it.

Tomorrow, Aunt Janet is cruising over from Panama City with her family to see us while we are in her neck of the woods. That'll be fun to see some family while we're down here. At the beach--see Aunt Janet; at the mountains--see Uncle Ed. Pretty good deal. Family, family everywhere. You just can't escape those Johnsons.

Well, time to go stare at the bay and feel the salty air against my skin. It's good to be me sometimes.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Rich Source Material

For those of you who follow this blog, but don't Facebook. I'm hilarious! Various Updates:


Loaned one Shortie out for the night; picked up two more. Somehow this math thing isn't working out for me. Go figure that I failed college algebra. Twice. And to think I believed I'd never need that skill in the Real World.


Did not! Did too! Did not! Did too! She's touching me! Quit looking at me! What is that smell? Because I said so! No, you can't have a candy bar; it's almost time for dinner. How did that happen to your hair? You most certainly will not do that to your brother. What do you mean it just fell out? Kids are home. :-)


Lily finally quit doing the technicolor yawn. Now let's hope she's the only Shortie with cooties.


It's my nap time. Hold all of my calls. :-)
--got the best response to this one: "Yes, your hind ass, er, I mean Your Highness. Consider it done." from a friend I knew in the 5th grade. lol


That song "Meet Me on the Equinox" is a flat-out jam. I'm throwing down all over the house. Elaina asked if I was having a seizure. Um, no. Just dancing. But thanks.
--from friend, "So, you're like our own personal Elaine at Union Springs? Cool."


Ordered that Potty Patch thing off of the TV last night. Like a chia pet your dog pees on. Carter wanted to know if he could 'just test it out'. Um, no.


Signs of the coming End? Elise and Elaina got Facebooks for Christmas. And worse news? They have more friends that I do.


To movie or not to movie. That is the question.


Had a date with The Husband. Got bored in the movie (Sherlock Holmes) and thought about making out, but there was a row full of 15-yr-olds behind us and that might have been too traumatic for them (old people kissing--ewe gross). That and I didn't want to have Skittles thrown at the back of my head.


Christmas Eve: Ate the center of the Oreos. Drank the eggnog. My work here is finished.


I work in the lunchroom on Thursdays. Thursday we served Salisbury steak with gravy and mashed potatoes. Carter came up to the lunch counter where I was standing and asked, dead serious, "Is this steak medium rare?" I nodded. Yes. Yes it is. "Oh, good. That's how I like mine."


Holy Boyfriends, Batman! I just noticed that one of the Wonder Twins has a "relationship status" on her profile (whatever that means in fourth grade). (Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth)


Our daughter, the Little Flower, has decided at the ripe old age of five, that she's no longer spelling her name Lily with one 'L'. She has informed us that from this moment forward she is to be known only as Lilly with two "L's". I blame this on the precedent set by the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. (Girls are fun.)


As you can see, it's going to be debilitating now that my richest Source Material is staging a revolt against me. I think it may be worth it to forfeit Perfect Mommy Title points for the humor factor alone...hmmm....

How Facebook Killed My Blog

Okay, I'll finally admit it. I'm into the instant gratification of Facebook. I can't stop posting one liners and laughing at myself long enough to write a real post on here. I can cruise through people's private lives without getting stuck in an hour-long conversation about their latest surgery. One click and I can read, "surgery went fine. home now." Score!

And the photos, the notes, the web links. You can blow through literally hours doing nothing but exchanging trivial information with other people. But what an amazing way to keep in touch with people I wouldn't normally have any contact with at all! It's awesome! (I'm an addict.)

If I'm being honest, I can't blame the demise of my beautiful, funny blog all at the feet of Facebook. The Shorties have become more and more aware of themselves in space, and have announced that it's humiliating to have all of their goofiness on display for other people to laugh at. I get this as The Mother Bear, but can't help myself. I'm a comedienne at heart and want other people to laugh at what I find amusing. My Shorties have awesome humor skills but haven't honed the all-important ability to laugh at themselves yet. No fear; at 9, 7, and 5, that's an acquired skill, so there's plenty of time.

So, in the meantime, I said I'd TRY to post only things that humiliate me and not them. I can tell already it's going to be difficult to hold true to this promise, since I've got at least ten anecdotes ready to post in the wings that are questionable at best. :-) arg.