Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Beauty Pageant Manifesto

Well, I had one of the most interesting experiences of my life today. I drove two hours each way in support of our county's Mrs. Senior Representative as she participated in the state-level beauty competition. She's such a cool lady. She said that she wanted to do it because she was finally old enough and just wanted to try it. It's a beauty pageant for the over 65 set, and it was something to see, Folks.

Now, I'll go out here on a very tiny, rickety limb and admit that I'm not a pageant person. Okay, it's worse than that--I'm an anti-pageant person. I hate them. They are completely ridiculous. Your daughter is NOT the prettiest one. She WASN'T robbed. And I can absolutely guarantee her loss wasn't political. She's just an average kid wearing too much make up with a hairdo that belongs on Dolly Parton who did a terribly cute, if a little precocious, version of that Judy Garland song that all pageant people seem to know. We thought it was cute after the Thanksgiving turkey; we didn't think it belonged on a stage under lights. And before the pageant people go nuts, don't think I'm prejudiced about the girls. I feel the same way about people who are too bent out about sports. Seriously, it's a ball. Get over it. Your kid probably isn't getting a scholarship or going pro. He's just a kid who hits the ball pretty good. Whoopie for you. You are confusing my politeness with interest. (Snarky but true.)

With all of that out there in the open, it goes almost without saying, but Our Girl was robbed. She was gorgeous, poised, talented, and clearly the winner. (I'm not even related to her, and it was obvious to me.) She beat the fire out of that piano, wore an elegant dress (her legs were spectacular), and she was well spoken. She did our county so very proud. I was glad to know her in that moment.

Now, to be fair, the woman who won today completely deserved it--she tap danced for four minutes straight. Just the endurance alone was worth a win (remember, these are women over 65 years old). And she looked marvelous too. It's just...well, the entire process is just so subjective. I mean how someone wins or loses is in the eyes of some judges. Who is fit to judge my daughters and deem them worthy or not? Certainly not other humans...(and this is why I call it ridiculous).

Here is some random, meaningless commentary from someone with absolutely no pageant experience--just some things to note in case you are ever considering a run for the crown:

1)  For your talent, never, ever, ever put on Halloween angel wings borrowed from your granddaughter and piece together a dance routine while quoting random unrelated Scripture over a Kenny G song. There are not enough margaritas in the world to excuse this behavior. You couldn't have been that drunk.

2)  I can now die in peace having seen a 70-year-old woman do the splits. I mean the full splits. In a leotard.

3)  70-year-old women should never, ever wear leotards. (Or sleeveless gowns.)

4)  Flashdance is a questionable music selection if you're 18. If you're 71, you might need to adjust your meds.

5)  I'm so glad I know how to post to YouTube from my phone.

6)  I'm not sure that apricot antebellum ball gown was the most appropriate choice for the African American candidate. Her stylist is so fired.

7)  When that woman's microphone went out while she was murdering a completely innocent song, I was praising God. Then they let her have a do-over because of the equipment malfunction, which was God clearly mocking me. Josh Grobin had a brain freeze somewhere in the world, thinking that a rabbit ran over his grave. No, it was someone killing his song. Twice.

8)  I still hate beauty pageants.

9) But I had the best time this afternoon! I hope I get invited again next year!

10) And I better get started right now if I'm going to be in any kind of shape to compete in that thing in 20 years. Seriously.

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