Sunday, March 11, 2012

Travel Adventures

What you think your honeymoon is going to look like.
I've been booking travel for almost two and a half years. I specialize in Disney World and destination travel, but I also book a ton of cruises, Sandals/Beaches, Mexico, and Ski vacations. And after fielding yet another honeymoon disaster call today, here is the sum total of what I have learned:

This is the first and most difficult test that God puts a married couple through. (I know this factually, because I am the only person honeymooning people call while on their honeymoons.) Your flight will be cancelled. Your room will leak. Someone will get a) sunburned b) food poisoning c) stung by jellyfish d) all of the above. The beach will be closed for a tsunami. The restaurant's world class chef will quit the day before you arrive and in a fit of anger, drop fifty mice into the kitchen before he vacates the premises. You will drop the camera into the pool, off of a cliff, or into the toilet. You will discover that she is a harpy, nagging complainer and that he is an overbearing controlling moron. Or, if you're lucky, you will laugh your way through it and make it out on the other side alive and intact. It's God bearing out that whole 'for better or for worse' thingy you promised earlier in the week. Call it irony, but you'd better be able to laugh about it. Oh, and I can't fix any of that stuff.

2011 Disney
 Disney World
Visiting the 'most magical place on earth' is indeed magical, but only if you do the proper amount of planning. At our first consultation, if the words 'relaxing' and 'possibly Disney' come out of your mouth in any kind of proximity, I will not work with you as a client. It's too risky. If you want to relax, go to the beach. If you want to have an experience, go to Disney. 'Nere the twain shall meet and all of that black magic. To make Disney a truly magical experience:
  • Don't take anyone who isn't potty trained. (Please, I beg you.)
  • Rent or bring the stroller for anyone under seven. (I'm not exaggerating.)
  • Be prepared to eat off schedule (like breakfast at 10:30 a.m., lunch at 2:00 p.m., and dinner at 8:00)
  • You cannot see everything in one day. (I know that this seems obvious, but you'd be surprised.)
  • Yes, you need sunblock every single day. And Rolaids. And wet wipes and Ziploc baggies.
  • Other people will be at the pool with you. I cannot stop them from having beer next to your table.
  • I also do not control who is in the hotel rooms next to yours. In fact, I control virtually nothing at The Magic Kingdom.
  • I do not control the bus system.
  • I do not control the weather.
  • I do not control the show schedule or what rides are closed for repairs.
    2011 NYC with WonderTwins
  • I also do not control your waiter, how much Cokes cost, or that the monorail shut down and you had to walk.
A Special Note About Gay Days: This event is a week in late May/early June where gay people have collectively decided it's good to go to Disney together. (Disney isn't sponsoring this deal, it's an Internet phenomenon.) If this is freaking you out, don't go at the end of May or the beginning of June. (If you're gay, that is obviously the best time to go and be the very most comfortable you can possibly be.) But neither group is allowed to complain. Families--the gay people want to go to the most magical place on earth too, and they have chosen only two weeks out of the year to collectively meet and go. It's only two weeks. If it's offensive to you, you have the whole rest of the year. Gay People--If you want to go and hold hands with your life partner, no one will care any day of the year. It's the most magical place on earth (and the families will be too busy cleaning up throw up and wrangling the infants they shouldn't have brought with them to bother with your sexual orientation). But if you want to be around other families that look like yours, book right after Memorial Day. Easy Peasy.

Traveling with Kids
  • Plan on throw up.
  • Take extra everything.
  • Every single restaurant in the world is fifteen degrees colder than it should be. (They are trying to get you out to make room for the next group.) Take a jacket.
  • Pack $300.00 more than you need.
  • Don't choose any restaurant that doesn't have chicken fingers on the menu.
  • Ziplock bags and wet wipes are the most valuable things in the whole world.
2010 Alaskan Cruise
There is a reason that Disney cruises are twice the price of other cruises: no gambling, no smoking. (They have to make up the revenue somewhere.) So, if you don't want to walk through casinos on your way to everywhere on the ship, or transverse a cloud of cancer on every floor, pay the extra money. I'm serious. Now, if you smoke and gamble, it's the exact opposite. Go for it. Just don't complain both ways. I can't fix gambling and smoking people. I can't fix people who complain about you smoking and gambling either.

And that's enough information for one blog. Tune in next time when I tell the Funniest Travel Calls Ever Fielded and other travel adventures! Happy Travels!

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