Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm the Home Ec. Teacher. No, I'm not Joking.

For anyone who knows me personally, this is going to be a belly buster laughing sort of moment.

I'm teaching Home Ec.

Well, they are calling it Life Skills for the senior class, but it's basically Home Economics. This is the stupidest thing that has happened to me since I became the pastor's wife. Talk about unqualified. I am unbelievably unqualified for this teaching experience. I'm a terrible homemaker. No, really. I mean it.

It's sort of like when people find out we have four kids--the next question they ask is, "Oh, do you homeschool?" Um, no. Just because I over bred, I wasn't suddenly tranformed into a pre-school/elementary school teacher. I realize that I'm completely unqualified to homeschool, so it wasn't an option. Not only that, but I'd kill The Fashionista. (I'm not joking.) Same way, I'm not exaggerating my lack of homemaking skills. I really stink at it. And I'm not all that concerned. God, The Husband, and I are all good here.

Now, for those who don't know me all that well, I'll illustrate exactly why this is so thigh-slapping funny.

1) I hate to clean. No, really. I have a maid.

2) I am an average cook and make most things that are best described as "truck stop food".

3) I have a widespread reputation as a house plant killer from way back. The entire Wal-Mart nursery section shudders collectively when I roll through, praying to the plant gods that it isn't their day.

4) I don't coupon, don't make homemade soaps or cleaners, and I don't do anything crafty. Please don't make me. Please.

5) My laundry room looks like a bomb went off in it. If it's cleaned up, something is bad wrong.

6) The idea of making something crafty makes me slightly nauseated. I don't own a staple or glue gun, and I don't want either. I will borrow one if there is a crafting emergency.

7) My mother crochets like a wild woman. I've got blankets and throws and stuff from one end of my house to the other, hence, there is absolutely no reason for me to learn to crochet.

8) I don't sew. If something needs a button or rips, this is a sign from God that I'm supposed to put it into the donation bin or give it to my mother to fix. Needles are for getting splinters out of Shorties.

9) If something takes more than seven ingredients to make, it's officially Too Complicated.

10) I don't own any specialized pans. No cheesecake pans, no bundt pans, no double boilers. Again, falling into the category "Too Complicated".

I'm the Home Ec. teacher. Are you getting the humor now? Lord, help us all. This might be one of the signs of The End. Y'all better start praying for me and those students right now.


Anonymous said...

You crack me up!!!!

Michelle said...

Maybe you could get some recipes from Sonja:)

The Mother Bear said...

HA!!! Sonja would be the only funnier choice for Home Ec. teacher!