Monday, June 5, 2017

We might be the actual wild life

Things overheard at the zoo today.
Lillian: Those camels everyone pays to ride look like they are smiling, but really they are mourning the loss of their dignity.

Lillian: We have caged these animals for our amusement. Why? Isn't television enough?
Lillian: That's it. I'm becoming an animal activist. This place is sucking my soul dry. Look at that animal. It's depressed. 
The Husband: What about ground beef and chicken?
Lillian: We can eat them but not cage them. One is hamburger as In "fulfilling one's life destiny". The other is cruel and unusual punishment as in "there's a three year old making faces and grunting at me through glass how did I end up here?" (She even made the air quotes)

Lillian: Are we alone In The universe?
The Husband (pointing at me): No. There's your mommy.

Lillian to The Husband: Put the hat back on. Hide your shame. Seriously. No one wants to see that.

Lillian upon seeing lounging rhino: Oh look. It's the American human in its natural habitat.

Hunter: I'm not fat. I'm just easy to see.

Kid: (at the picnic pavilion) what kind of jelly is on these sandwiches? 
Me: the kind you are going to eat if you are having pb&j

Lillian: Look it's comic sans on that sign. the best font ever. The name means "without comedy". How funny is that?

Lillian (At the water splash pad watching a chunky 8 yr old kid collect water in his mouth and then spew it all over his sister's face not once, not twice, but multiple times): and that kid right there is why I'm sitting over here on my iPod and not wallowing in that giant bacteria pool.

Lilly: (in response to Elise) yeah, sure I'll get a twitter. Here's my only tweet. "I hate everything. Period."

If she ever starts talking you want to be sure to plant yourself right by Lillian Johnson. Social commentator. Life coach. Source of wisdom. Comedian.

No comments: