Friday, April 20, 2012

Parenting with Charlotte Part I

Here are the first set of musings in one easy to reach place. (Although, why anyone at all would actually seek parenting advice from me is a complete mystery, since I have no idea at all what I'm doing. What? You don't either.)

"I don't care if my kids are happy. (God said nothing at all in Scripture about wanting us to be happy.) I care that they are becoming Christ-like. And becoming Christ-like is often more painful than happy."

“Almost always in life, the best lessons are learned via our mistakes. How unfortunate that we don’t just listen when someone tells us not to touch the hot stove instead of checking it out on our own. It just confirms that none of us are as smart as we think we are.”

“What are you doing?” is almost always a rhetorical question. I can see what you are doing. I am indicating that you are an idiot and am waiting on you realize it and agree with me.

“I’m not sure why my kids don’t believe me when I answer a question with, “I don’t know.” I know they don’t believe me, because they keep asking the same question that I’ve already answered ‘I don’t know’ to. This may be shocking, but sometimes I really don’t know. It’s not a riddle. I’m not even being obstinate. Really, I just don’t know.”

“My most effective parenting tip is never under estimate the power of humiliation as an obedience tool.”

“Apologize more than you should and even sometimes when you don’t think you should have to. It’ll make up for the times that someone apologized to you even though you were the one who was wrong.”

“For every person you envy, there are two coveting your life. Be thankful.”

“Rule 1: Never put anything in print that you don’t want read aloud in a room of your peers. Rule 2: Never write something that you won’t sign your name to. Rule 3: Never write anything while intoxicated (see Rule 1 and Rule 2 for clarification).”

“Yes, ‘wonky-doo’ is a word. You use ‘catywompus’ and ‘thingy’, so I can use ‘wonky-doo’. What? You think your made up words are better than mine?”

“I have a dowel rod in my classroom with a purple barber pole stripe and the word ‘stupid’ painted on it. It’s called The Stupid Stick. You get to host it on your desk for asking stupid questions, because whoever said there are no stupid questions clearly never taught high school.”

“Saying ‘that’s just the way I am’ doesn’t excuse bad behavior on your part. You are just confirming that you are too crazy to be friends with and that people should avoid you. So, if anyone says, “that’s just the way I am” in the course of a conversation, you should thank them for the head’s up and then move away rapidly.”

“I don’t care about your Precious Angel’s self esteem. I care about her ability to differentiate between there/their/they’re, you’re/your, and it’s/its so that she doesn’t look like a moron on Facebook.”

“Giving anything less than your best—whether on the field, in the classroom, on stage, in relationships—is failure. And don’t tell me you tried unless I can see evidence of the blood, sweat, and tears that bear out the fruit of your best. Just showing up isn’t your best; it’s your least.”

"Some things you need to do just because you live in this house—like making your own bed or putting away your own laundry. Not making the bed is like telling the rest of your day that you just can’t be bothered. And coming home to an unmade bed, well, it’s insulting to your own person.”

“I’m a middle-aged fat woman. Obviously, I’m keeping my classroom like a meat locker. Not bringing a jacket doesn’t indicate that the room is too cold; it indicates that you aren’t very bright or need to work on your powers of discernment.”

“If I tell you that I can’t do something right now, it’s not a challenge to your powers of persuasion. Stop asking me.”

“I don’t cook breakfast. If you want breakfast, learn to cook it. No, I won’t teach you how to make breakfast—that would mean that I’d have to cook breakfast. Pay attention.”

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