Saturday, January 15, 2011

If We Were Totally Honest

Random Stuff.  In light of my parenting rant, Alabama rant, and rude people rant, I've been thinking some Deep Thoughts ala Jack Handy. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Jesus Christ's parents lost him for three days. I can't do worse than that. It's all pretty much up from there. And he turned out okay. So, the Little Flower can't sit still in church. Big whoop. At least I know where she is.

2. You don't own your children; they belong to the Lord. You are simply the steward. As such, you shouldn't ask yourself, "What do I want for my children?" You should ask, "What does God want for my children."

3.The same collection agency has been calling my house for over a year asking to speak to someone who doesn't live here and has never lived here. I've had this phone number for four years. Every time they call I ask them to stop calling. She's not here. I don't know her. I give them my name and explain that I am not her, and she is not here. Still, they call faithfully three times a week. Now I make up stories to tell them for fun. No, she's not here, she's down at the rehab getting dried out. Nah, she took of last Sunday with a carload of Vietnamese people to parts unknown. Nope, not today, she's selling handmade turquoise jewelry this weekend in the desert with her boyfriend, Earl. Why don't you try back Monday and see if she made parole? I should be freaking out, but not so much anymore. I sort of look forward to it.

4. I've killed two bunnies driving to and from Jemison this week. I cried harder over that than I have over my going-to-Hell-lost relatives. How embarrassing.

5. I told the Number One Son that he probably shouldn't play baseball, because I didn't think he'd be very good at it. I told this story, because I didn't want to sit down at the ball field for 22 hours a week, three nights of practice, and all day on Saturday, not to mention having to deal with Little League Parents. (Probably saving everyone from the biggest Sister Sunshine Charlotte Moment ever.) That lost me some points in the Perfect Mommy Title, but I'm not the one taking out stock in 45 sunblock and complaining about spending 22 hours at the ballpark each week either. We call that a Win-Win in Johnson Land.

6. I don't care what you do to a Brussel Sprout, I'm not trying it. Stop asking me to try yours.

7. I had to buy reading glasses. Not to read, but because I couldn't see to take splinters and glass out of the Shorties. It was either clean better or buy glasses. So, I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances.

8. We live near a town called Clanton. Some of the locals call it Clan-TON. Some call it Clannon (like Cannon). Some call it Clant-on (like come on). For a year, I thought those were three different places. I'm not joking.

9. I'm a high school English teacher. I can't stand Ernest Hemingway or Thomas Pynchon. They stink. There, I said it.

10. I'd like my personal superhero music to be Fire Woman by the Cult, but it's probably Little Miss Can't Be Wrong by the Spin Doctors. That stinks too.

Are we there yet?

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