Sunday, August 1, 2010

Clean House at Casa Johnson

The Johnson Factor Phenomenon No. 72: If The Husband opens any cabinet, door, fridge, etc., something will fall on his head 79% of the time. I'm graphing it to keep the percentages accurate. It's really something. It's lucky he doesn't cuss more.

Let's it was an entire bowl of potato salad (that naturally landed wrong side down and had to be scraped up from the linoleum), three cups from the Twilight movie premiere (Edward is The Man), and various linens as he sought to change the bed sheets. (Let us note that he was making lunch, getting me something to drink, and helping change the sheets. This is why Edward may be The Man, but Steve is The Husband. Hoo-rah!)

So, in an effort to get rid of some of this falling debris on The Husband's head, we are late summer cleaning. Erg. I hate cleaning. I mean, I hate beets and I hate Brussel sprouts, but I HATE cleaning. This is odd, since my house stays relatively put together and presentable, outside of the stacks of stuff just lying around. I've simply got to de-stack the house or we're going to be on a special "People Who Have Stacks of Crap Everywhere" edition of Hoarders. It's losing me points in the Perfect Mommy Title because my house doesn't look like Better Homes and Gardens.  (Those stupid judges...)

As a result, we are playing Clean House (curse that cable TV for convicting me yet again). We're trying to convince Elise to dress up like Niecy Nash and interview everyone about our 'foolishness', but I secretly hope she won't. If she interviews me, I might have to answer questions about my obvious book addiction and magazine stacks next to the bedside and my serious costume jewelry problem. The Shoe Fetish that I have is clearly my biggest contribution to the overall problem, but I'm not admitting to anything on that front, because then someone might want me to CHANGE that behavior and that'd be a big No.

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