Friday, July 16, 2010

The Vast Wasteland

Daytime TV--we are all aware that it's a complete wasteland, but I'm pretty sure that I've learned just how deep and wide the void actually measures this week. I haven't been able to focus on reading because of the fabulous pain medications I'm taking, so I've resorted to watching Style Network, TLC, History Channel, etc., between periods of unconsciousness.

More meaningless observations:

We are obsessed with Weddings. And I completely got cheated at my wedding. I didn't have enough Bridezilla in me or a Monster-in-Law hovering over me or a Monster-of-the-Bride moment. I didn't spend enough money on the wedding based on the top 20 Forbes Celebrity Weddings. (Although, if you paid more than $500.00 on your wedding dress, I question all of your decision-making ability.) It's a dress that you are going to wear ONCE. And if you spent $1.5 million like some of these folks on the TV, well, you fall into an entirely new class of creepy decadence.

We all Want a New Look, Because We are Hideous. I need a makeover, but I don't want my friends or those idiots on What Not To Wear to do it. They have absolutely no taste. They just put a chunky woman into a nightclub dress made out of silver disco fabric with gladiator sandals (a major no-no for cankles) and then they had the nerve to tell her she looked fabulous. Are you kidding me? I couldn't stop myself from screaming at the television, "You look like a freak cross between the Tin Man and a giant Bass fish!" Where are Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum? Seriously.

We Are All Fat. I can't decide between Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig, that 6-Week Body Makeover, or E-Diets. Everyone who diets on TV loses a zillion pounds with little or no trouble. Doubt it? Well, just watch the testimonies--they are all thin without sacrifice and have new, wonderful lives to match their skinny booties. I'm pretty sure I'm going with Marie Osmond, since she's so happy about the entire deal. She also appears to be laughing at some of the people on stage with her, and I'm totally down with that.

If I Weren't Sitting and Staring at the TV, I Wouldn't Know Anything About all of this Amazing Workout Equipment/Programs. Zumba is a scam. No one has that much fun dancing unless alcohol is involved. Or unless we're talking about Richard Simmons. (He might actually be having that much fun.) And I love it when they do five or six complicated dance moves with spinning and jumping and hip rolling and arms flailing and then look into the camera and say, "It's so easy!" Liar. And if you aren't lying I seriously hate you.

So, to recap what I've learned from the TV today: I'm poor, need to sue someone for my disability, I'm fat, ugly, badly dressed, and too stupid to live since I can't Zumba. Lovely. Someone pass the Percocet.

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