Saturday, January 28, 2012

Ready to Swap Superpowers With Someone. Anyone.

I have this running inside joke. Like most things in life, even if it's funny and you are being funny, there's still probably some truth in the joke. 

I have this invisible sign in blinking neon over my head that reads something like this: "Please feel free to share the completely inappropriate details of your personal life with me." Now, the joke part comes in because I am She Who is of Little or No Mercy.

You get the punchline.

You people are telling the person least able to identify with and help you all about your personal business. It's mind boggling. And it happens all of the time. Daily. My dad once told me that all of that "theater nonsense" wasn't ever going to be helpful in the Real World. Boy, was he wrong. As teacher, pastor's wife, friend, mother, etc., that's probably the skill set I value and use most in my life. (This is known as 'irony', Students.)  The ability to act like nothing is wrong and continue to move forward normally is seriously undervalued.
It seems that my entire life is running from one crisis directly into the next--and almost none of these crises are actually mine; they are usually someone else's ball of crazy. I get out of one situation that I'm required to fix and plow right into the next one without coming up for air. It's really quite remarkable. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the ability to cope under extreme pressure is my superpower.

(Maybe I am superwoman and the pod with the info I'm supposed to receive from off world simply hasn't arrived yet. Maybe.)  Anyhoo...

I'd like to have an entire week without anything to report. No emergencies. No phone calls at 2:00 a.m. No police involvement. No personal crises. No new people with cancer. No people who need money. No nothing. My wants in life are simple. Here's a short list in case anyone is listening:

I want to sleep for more than six hours in a row sometime instead of napping and sleeping in five hour increments. I hear it's great.

I want to choose the fast food restaurant now and again instead of taking a popular vote. If the place sells anything that includes a toy, we ain't eating there.

I want to go ten solid minutes without anyone asking me a question. Okay, maybe that's unreasonable. I'd settle for seven.

I want to stay in my jammies one Saturday until noon without the doorbell ringing.

I'd like to watch a completely-inappropriate-for-children zombie movie from start to finish without having to pause five thousand times (to make juice, find a hairbow, cut the crust off, answer the phone, answer the door, find shorts, open the big freezer, move the laundry...).

I want someone else to fold the clothing or at least put it away if I've folded it.

I want someone else to figure out what's for dinner and then just let me know.

I want all 58 high school students to finish their homework one time. Just once.

I want complete and total boring for 24-hours straight.

Okay, okay, so I flew too close to the sun with that last one, but you have to be shooting at something in order to hit anything. I can tell you this though. I'm not answering the phone or the door on purpose next week. If you need something, you better call someone else, because I cannot help you. Even Wonder Woman needs a break. So, the next person I see who asks me how I am, I'm going to over share the completely inappropriate details of my personal life and see if I can transfer some of this crazy to someone else.

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