In Fun.

 So, my son’s truck was inadvertently vandalized by some kids who were yard rolling last weekend. Rolling is a long standing tradition in our little community. The rules are fairly straightforward. You are careful not to cause any damage. Stick to things that are easily cleaned up. The month of October is the only time it’s acceptable. And you never, ever tell who, when, or where you rolled. 

We woke up on a Sunday morning to find that the rollers who visited our house had only targeted my son’s truck (another fairly common occurrence when you have teens in your house). The only problem is they pulled down a gigantic, dead limb onto his truck, which caused major damage. It caved in the roof of the truck, dropping everything in the ceiling console into the seat. It left a body-sized dent in the hood, shattered the windshield, and left bat-sized dents in both of the front panels to the left and right of the hood. It scratched the two sides of the truck when the giant limb fell onto the truck. The limb caused $5600.00 of damage to my son’s vehicle.

 He lives at U Mobile, so he had to drive back to school in the damaged vehicle, rent a car on his own for the first time through the insurance company, find and drop the vehicle at the body shop, and get a ride to all of these events. He will also be without his beloved truck for several weeks, literally because someone else was playing a little joke on him.

 I have had at least seven phone calls to insurance company, rental company (when my son had to wait four hours in their office for his rental to arrive and miss classes), to the body shop, back to the insurance company, to the police to file a report, etc.  Not to mention the $1,000 deductible. It’s a nightmare. 

Not only that, but the limb falling down required us to hire a tree service to come out and cut down the tree in question because it started leaning. So, $2,300 later, the tree is down. 

The morning we discovered the damage, I immediately posted on facebook and sent a text to several of the students who might be in the know, and within about two hours of those contacts, I had two separate individuals come forward and admit fault without throwing the other party under the bus. I told the boys who contacted me the truth—I’m not actually mad. But the second that limb fell, someone should have been at the door or left a note on the truck. I’m also thankful they admitted fault so quickly and came forward WITHOUT THROWING THE OTHER PERSON THERE UNDER THE BUS. They didn’t tattle—they admitted their own fault. I told them it was scary and brave and man stuff, because it was. When you do wrong, you have to admit it and move forward.

 But this is the point I really want to make—sometimes we do something “in fun” but it causes real life tangible damage to other people. My son was devastated about his truck. He has been put out for weeks because of someone’s “fun”. I have been put out for weeks because of “fun”. My pocketbook has been seriously dented because of someone having “fun”. Sometimes when we mean no harm, but we still cause harm, it leaves an impact that was unintentional, but still real. 

And this entire thing was about a vehicle—an inanimate object. What about when the damage done “in fun” is to a person? 

 I guess I want to say this—be very careful about what you post online, how you talk about other people, teasing disgusted as bullying, snide comments made behind people’s backs, gossiping, backbiting, making jokes at other people’s expense—because that line between “fun” and “mean” is razor thin and always cost both parties a price neither intended to pay. 

 Oh, and consider this—when I found that truck damaged my first phone call was to the police to file a report. The second was to the insurance company. Both phone calls were made within ten minutes of finding the damage. If I find that you damaged another person under my care “in fun” I assure you that I will take care of that situation exponentially faster and more violently than I did for the truck. We have too much else after us on a daily than to be afraid that our friends are going to harm us “in fun”.  

Think before you post. Think before you comment. Think before you do anything “in fun” that might cause actual damage to another person. 

This is not okay

So, I took an article on the President’s speech and just made one minor little tiny change in wording. Here’s a hint—it’s the capitalized words. Still okay with this? Or is it only when you agree with what is being mandated?

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In his speech, President Joe Biden formally announced his plan to force companies with more than 100 employees to REQUIRE SALVATION FOR ALL workers against the RISK OF DYING AND GOING TO HELL or test them weekly FOR PROGRESSION IN BIBLE KNOWLEDGE and dismissed concerns about encroaching on personal freedoms.

"This is not about freedom or personal choice," Biden said during a Thursday address to the nation. "It's about protecting yourself and those around you, the people you work with, the people you care about, the people you love. My job as president is to protect all Americans."

In his speech, Biden expressed frustration with unsaved Americans multiple times and said that he "understands" the "anger" that the saved have against those who have not ACCEPTED JESUS AS LORD AND SAVIOR.

"We've been patient but our patience is wearing thin and your refusal has cost all of us," Biden told the tens of millions of UNSAVED people in the country.

"Many of us are frustrated with the nearly 80 million Americans who are still not SAVED, even though SALVATION is safe, effective and free," Biden added. "You might be confused about what is true and what is false about FOLLOWING JESUS."

The president also pointed a finger at ATHEIST officials across the country who have opposed SALVATION AND SALVATION mandates.

"We have the tools to combat THE LOST and a distinct minority of Americans, supported by a distinct minority of elected officials, are keeping us from turning the corner," Biden said. "These pandemic politics are making people sick, causing LOST people to die WITHOUT SALVATION."

Biden officially confirmed that he has instructed the Department of Labor to mandate employers with over 100 workers to either GET THEM SAVED them or force them to test for ONGOING BIBKE KNOWLEDGE weekly.

In addition to the SALVATION requirements, Biden is moving to double federal fines for airline passengers who refuse to PRAY FOR SAFETY on flights or to maintain BIBLE CARRYING requirements on federal property in accordance with Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines.

The rule would also require that large companies provide paid time off for SALVATION AND CHURCH ATTENDANCE. 

Parenting Adult Children: Shifting Gears

Four Shorties at the park when I was still in charge. 

This is my personal opinion formed from experience, educating myself through reading, and observations of people around me.

One of the hardest parenting transitions for some households is when your adult children come home from college. For nine months that child has been negotiating all of these things without your input: curfew, what to eat, when to eat, social outings, who to befriend, who to date, who to study with, where to study, and what time to study, bedtimes and wake times, snacks, which events to attend, intermural sports and clubs, personal calendar decisions, books, laundry, dishes, cleaning, tv and movie choices, when to say yes, and when to say no. You, the parent, we’re not consulted or involved in any of those daily, independent decisions. The temptation when the child moves back under your roof is to go back to parenting the way you did when the child was still under your tutelage. This bind on precious freedoms will do nothing but damage the relationship between the parent and the child.

Grown ups

This is how we have chosen to handle it in Johnsonville. Fortunately for me and mine, we were already doing a ton of this senior year before they flew the nest making it much easier on me. If you didn’t though, it’s not too late to readjust or rethink your position. I'm telling you from personal observation and experience that this information is hard to read but will actually help you if you try it.

The Big Picture--Calendar Planning and Scheduling: I tell the kids important dates and times I expect them to be available as far in advance as possible so that they can make a plan. This includes things like dentist appointments, days/times I need their help (like if I'm throwing a party or shower for someone and need help cleaning or cooking or running errands), vacation dates for the fam jam, and any other big dates on the calendar like weddings, parties, etc. It allows them to make their own plans independently of me without being confused about what I expect. Here is an example: Someone has to get L home from school every day next week at 10:30. They can figure that out themselves without my involvement so long as a human being shows up to the school at 10:30 to get Lillian.

Elise and friends in downtown
Mobile.

Actual Housework: I have clear expectations of participation and helps around the house. An example: with only four of us in the house during the school year, we only take the trash out every other day and only do one load of dishes every other day. With seven of us back in residence, the trashcans are full every day and the dishwasher is run sometimes twice a day. I am not the maid or personal chef here, so every time you walk by a washed dishwasher blinking clean, someone other than me is to unload that dishwasher. Same for trash. It's an expectation since they actually made that extra mess by living here. The expectation is super clear and then no one can be upset or confused when I blow my top because the dishes were stacked into the sink and the dishwasher is sitting empty. But MY responsibility was to explain the expectation so that the child has a fair chance to comply. I also leave hand written or texted lists of what I need done with a deadline (like any reasonable employer would do). This allows the grown child, who has been managing his schedule all of this year, to fit what I need done into his timetable. It literally removes all arguments in the house if I tell Carter to please get the trash emptied out of the kitchen before I start cooking dinner at 5:30. He will almost always have that done for me if I ask in the morning rather than walking past him five times saying "take out the trash" while he is involved in other activities, which is nagging to him and infuriating to me. Setting an expectation with a timeframe is much more successful and prevents anger and arguments.

Carter and friends in Nashville.

Personal Choices: Okay, the is the one that is the MOST difficult and maybe the most controversial and hard to swallow. You have been given all authority as a parent, but I'm telling you this will change your life and your relationship with your child. After I have given the kids the Big Picture Schedule of things they can't miss and we have clear expectations of help around the house, I then make sure that everyone knows what my personal plans are each day. This allows them to make their own plans more confidently. Here is a personal example: Today, Elise is moving back home from college and will be home sometime around 4:00. I'm cooking her favorite meal and it will be ready to eat around 6:30. So, I'd send this note (or say it verbally) to the kids: "Hey, I'm going to lunch with friends. Buying play supplies this afternoon, so I won't be home. Laundry is running. Get it in there if you need something washed because today is the only day I'm doing that. You're on your own rest of week. E is going to be here at 4:00-ish. I'm cooking full dinner (chicken casserole, etc.) ready to eat at 6:30, let me know if you are going to be here and how many. Love you."

Elaina and friends in Texas.

This is the controversial part--notice that nowhere in there did I say or insinuate that they a) had to attend b) had to eat what I am serving c) could or could not bring friends d) make any demands any way at all on their time or plans. I literally just told them MY plans. It leaves the entire choice up to the child. But it also lets them know what's happening so if they want to eat at 6:30 and bring five people. Get it?

And this is the part no parent likes but it has worked brilliantly at my house: MY CHILDREN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO INSIDE OF THIS FRAMEWORK NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

*Deep Breath*

They are literally free to tell me absolutely no details. So, Carter can turn to me and say on the same Saturday I sent that message about what I'm doing today and say, "Hey, I'm headed to town. Be home for dinner." and then I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING, WHERE HE IS ACTUALLY GOING, OR WHO HE IS WITH THE ENTIRE DAY. Exactly like when he's away at school. (Ahem.) Fortunately, my kids like to share info with me, so usually he says something more like this, "Hey, I'm going to XYZ's and we are going to get some lunch and hike at Oak Mountain, then I'm meeting up with this person and that person and we might be coming for dinner, but I'll let you know closer to time. Love you." Still, HE told ME what HIS PLANS were, not the other way around.

Second example message from child, "Hey, do we have plans Sat night? If not, we are going out Sat night with friends. XOXO."

Again, no where in that message did my grown adult child ask me for permission. She told me she was making plans exactly like she would have done in college. She will later send me a "guestimated time home" message. 

Parents, you are still and always will be the parent, but your role has to change if you want to befriend your adult child and not constantly be in opposition over unmet expectations. Side note, this works pretty darned awesome with your spouse too. Just saying. And there it is. Hard, but truth. 

It's working out so far in Johnsonville. I'll be sure to keep you posted.