Parenting Adult Children: Shifting Gears

Four Shorties at the park when I was still in charge. 

This is my personal opinion formed from experience, educating myself through reading, and observations of people around me.

One of the hardest parenting transitions for some households is when your adult children come home from college. For nine months that child has been negotiating all of these things without your input: curfew, what to eat, when to eat, social outings, who to befriend, who to date, who to study with, where to study, and what time to study, bedtimes and wake times, snacks, which events to attend, intermural sports and clubs, personal calendar decisions, books, laundry, dishes, cleaning, tv and movie choices, when to say yes, and when to say no. You, the parent, we’re not consulted or involved in any of those daily, independent decisions. The temptation when the child moves back under your roof is to go back to parenting the way you did when the child was still under your tutelage. This bind on precious freedoms will do nothing but damage the relationship between the parent and the child.

Grown ups

This is how we have chosen to handle it in Johnsonville. Fortunately for me and mine, we were already doing a ton of this senior year before they flew the nest making it much easier on me. If you didn’t though, it’s not too late to readjust or rethink your position. I'm telling you from personal observation and experience that this information is hard to read but will actually help you if you try it.

The Big Picture--Calendar Planning and Scheduling: I tell the kids important dates and times I expect them to be available as far in advance as possible so that they can make a plan. This includes things like dentist appointments, days/times I need their help (like if I'm throwing a party or shower for someone and need help cleaning or cooking or running errands), vacation dates for the fam jam, and any other big dates on the calendar like weddings, parties, etc. It allows them to make their own plans independently of me without being confused about what I expect. Here is an example: Someone has to get L home from school every day next week at 10:30. They can figure that out themselves without my involvement so long as a human being shows up to the school at 10:30 to get Lillian.

Elise and friends in downtown
Mobile.

Actual Housework: I have clear expectations of participation and helps around the house. An example: with only four of us in the house during the school year, we only take the trash out every other day and only do one load of dishes every other day. With seven of us back in residence, the trashcans are full every day and the dishwasher is run sometimes twice a day. I am not the maid or personal chef here, so every time you walk by a washed dishwasher blinking clean, someone other than me is to unload that dishwasher. Same for trash. It's an expectation since they actually made that extra mess by living here. The expectation is super clear and then no one can be upset or confused when I blow my top because the dishes were stacked into the sink and the dishwasher is sitting empty. But MY responsibility was to explain the expectation so that the child has a fair chance to comply. I also leave hand written or texted lists of what I need done with a deadline (like any reasonable employer would do). This allows the grown child, who has been managing his schedule all of this year, to fit what I need done into his timetable. It literally removes all arguments in the house if I tell Carter to please get the trash emptied out of the kitchen before I start cooking dinner at 5:30. He will almost always have that done for me if I ask in the morning rather than walking past him five times saying "take out the trash" while he is involved in other activities, which is nagging to him and infuriating to me. Setting an expectation with a timeframe is much more successful and prevents anger and arguments.

Carter and friends in Nashville.

Personal Choices: Okay, the is the one that is the MOST difficult and maybe the most controversial and hard to swallow. You have been given all authority as a parent, but I'm telling you this will change your life and your relationship with your child. After I have given the kids the Big Picture Schedule of things they can't miss and we have clear expectations of help around the house, I then make sure that everyone knows what my personal plans are each day. This allows them to make their own plans more confidently. Here is a personal example: Today, Elise is moving back home from college and will be home sometime around 4:00. I'm cooking her favorite meal and it will be ready to eat around 6:30. So, I'd send this note (or say it verbally) to the kids: "Hey, I'm going to lunch with friends. Buying play supplies this afternoon, so I won't be home. Laundry is running. Get it in there if you need something washed because today is the only day I'm doing that. You're on your own rest of week. E is going to be here at 4:00-ish. I'm cooking full dinner (chicken casserole, etc.) ready to eat at 6:30, let me know if you are going to be here and how many. Love you."

Elaina and friends in Texas.

This is the controversial part--notice that nowhere in there did I say or insinuate that they a) had to attend b) had to eat what I am serving c) could or could not bring friends d) make any demands any way at all on their time or plans. I literally just told them MY plans. It leaves the entire choice up to the child. But it also lets them know what's happening so if they want to eat at 6:30 and bring five people. Get it?

And this is the part no parent likes but it has worked brilliantly at my house: MY CHILDREN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO INSIDE OF THIS FRAMEWORK NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

*Deep Breath*

They are literally free to tell me absolutely no details. So, Carter can turn to me and say on the same Saturday I sent that message about what I'm doing today and say, "Hey, I'm headed to town. Be home for dinner." and then I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING, WHERE HE IS ACTUALLY GOING, OR WHO HE IS WITH THE ENTIRE DAY. Exactly like when he's away at school. (Ahem.) Fortunately, my kids like to share info with me, so usually he says something more like this, "Hey, I'm going to XYZ's and we are going to get some lunch and hike at Oak Mountain, then I'm meeting up with this person and that person and we might be coming for dinner, but I'll let you know closer to time. Love you." Still, HE told ME what HIS PLANS were, not the other way around.

Second example message from child, "Hey, do we have plans Sat night? If not, we are going out Sat night with friends. XOXO."

Again, no where in that message did my grown adult child ask me for permission. She told me she was making plans exactly like she would have done in college. She will later send me a "guestimated time home" message. 

Parents, you are still and always will be the parent, but your role has to change if you want to befriend your adult child and not constantly be in opposition over unmet expectations. Side note, this works pretty darned awesome with your spouse too. Just saying. And there it is. Hard, but truth. 

It's working out so far in Johnsonville. I'll be sure to keep you posted.