I Am Old

They say that kids keep you young, but that's a lie. At the very least, it's a misleading statement.

I watched cheerleaders last weekend at a public school and all I could think was that their clothes were a) too tight and b) too short and c) thank God my girls don't have to wear that in public.

There are only three songs on pop radio, and they play over and over and over. They make no sense. They are loud and irritating. They only talk about sex and drinking. What in the heck is getting slizzard? No, on second thought, never mind. I don't want to know.

Pizza is not a food group.

I can't imagine going to bed without brushing my teeth first, even if it meant a trip to a mini-mart at 2:00 a.m.

I am not sleeping on the floor for any reason.

I need an afghan over my legs to watch television.

I keep my classroom like a meat locker, because I'm having a personal, tropical heatwave. Bring a jacket, because I'm cranky and intend to be comfy even if your hands turn blue and you freeze to the desk seat.

I find myself watching news over entertainment. I thought that Jerseylicious was a comedy show with actors.

I wouldn't consider a vehicle without four doors.

I turn into a pumpkin at 10:00 p.m.

I want to go to the early movie and then dinner so that we can be home before I turn into a pumpkin.

There is no band alive worth standing in a smoky club to watch. (Well, unless it's Duran Duran. Again, old.)

It took me two hours to figure out Twitter. I'm still not sure why I signed up for that except that someone told me I should.

I still purchase music CDs.

I also like a real book. Like with a cover made out of paper and stuff.

I'm not going to an outdoor concert in the summer even if it's free and even if Duran Duran is playing.

There are no good flavors of Nerds.

Ice cream tastes worse the more colors that are in it.

Something was actually 'Too Sweet' for me to eat. I didn't think that was possible until it happened.

I purchased a pair of shoes last week for comfort instead of style.

That is the official beginning of the end. I am old.

It's 9:04. I have to fold this afghan, brush my teeth, and get in the bed now to watch the news before I doze off. Next stop: the nursing home.