The School of Rock

The Little Flower, my 6-yr-old child, wanted to know if she could sing Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me" at church for talent night. When I nixed that, she thought for a second, rubbing her chin, percolating deep thoughts, and said, "Okay, so what about 'Telephone'?" Um, that’d also be a no. I suggested "Jesus Loves Me". Again, the pause for thinking time. "Well, that's a tricky one." (As opposed to a Lady Gaga song?)
This is what is known as Johnson Logic.

And, in truth, she could probably belt out either of those songs beginning to end as well as a wide variety of Justin Bieber tunes, Rhianna, Miley Cyrus, and the entire High School Musical catalogue. This is one of the signs of the end of civilization: Radio Disney. My tweens are addicted to a pop music wasteland. I tried to do a little alternative musical education as an extracurricular activity, sort of like a mini-experiment. Over the course of this experience, I was told the following choice bits that I meticulously saved in a journal so that I could remind myself that I tried to impart my musical prowess on my children, even if it was a categorical failure.

Actually Said (or interpreted) by Various Shorties:

a) Led Zepplin was old. Like, grandpa old. There is no way that this was ever cool. And if it was cool, it was only cool to you and all of the other old people.

b) The Cars have the stupidest name in rock music history. (Like the name “Bieber” doesn’t make everyone snicker?)

c) But why does that guy keep sticking out his tongue? Is it bleeding because he bit it? You’d smack me in the back of the head if I did that in public. Does his mom know that’s him or is that why he’s in disguise?

d) Just because they were an all-girl band doesn’t mean that they were a GOOD band, Mom. (insert eye roll here)

e) ‘Video Killed the Radio Star’ sounds like a geeky song. Like computer nerds are singing it and recording it on their pc at the house. And if they played this, for like music class or something, we’d all laugh at them.

f) But why did you go somewhere to buy the record when you could just download it from the computer on your MP3?

g) So, you are telling me, for real, that your first concert was Duran Duran? Um, I’m not sure that I’d actually tell people that. Like people out in public and stuff.

h) Look at these photos of Mom in high school, Carter! Mom was like all, emo and goth and stuff. It’s freaking me out. Like what’s happening to Miley Cyrus. Same thing.

i) If this song was so cool why aren’t they still playing it. No, not on the oldies station; that doesn’t count.

j) I don’t think that ‘getting jiggy with it’ means what you think it means.

k) What is Elton John again? Like he keeps singing rock songs and then with the piano. I keep forgetting where he fits in. Elaina, that’s because he doesn’t fit in.

l) I’m really trying to figure this out. The lead singer for Yaz is a woman who sounds like a man and looks like a woman. The lead singer for the Culture Club is a man who sounds like a man sometimes and a woman sometimes and looks like a woman but his name is Boy George. You mean they aren’t the same person? Are you sure? I think they are the same person and don’t want anyone to know so they could have like another career as a girl then a boy who looks like a girl. They sound like the same person to me too. That means Mom is wrong. (as if)

m) What is a Violent Femme?

n) I am absolutely for sure positive that The Cure is not the best band ever. (Why not?) Because the best band ever is The Jonas Brothers and “the best” by definition means only one and that is NOT The Cure. Yeah, she’s right, and that might be a dumber name than The Cars. Yeah.

o) Could we please listen to some bluegrass? Just anything else? The Ramones make my head hurt like I’m getting hit with a hammer right in my forehead. And what does ‘Sheena is a Punk Rocker’ mean anyways? Don’t worry, Carter, none of these songs make any sense, so stop trying to figure it out. You can’t.

p) So this Prince guy is singing up high like that because why? Is he also a girl dressed like a man in those other bands? What do you mean he’s black? So, he’s a black girl? Is he pretending to be black or really black? And see, he IS dressed like a girl. I told you.

q) What’s a virgin? Hey. Wait a minute…I think that Lady Gaga maybe stole this song from that woman…

r) I think this song is sort of dirty, Mom. I mean, ‘Great Balls of Fire’. Can they say that on the radio?

s) Well, some of their songs are good like that one about best friends and that funny opera one and everything, but I’m not sure it’s nice to talk about fat girls or killing people or blood on your face. And that whole one about the bragging...We Are the Champions…It’s just not very polite. Yeah, I don’t think they should play that at sports.

t) But it’s just loud guitar. There’s no song. Just that guy screaming and loud guitar. And again with the name thing. Slash? Like we believe that is his real name. Well, remember there was one guy named The Edge. Who do these people think they are fooling? Why don’t they have regular names like Justin? Yeah, or P-Diddy?

u) Back in Black. So, are they goth? Or maybe it means they only date goth girls. I dunno. It’s hard figuring all of this out. And they have a lead SCREAMER, not singer. (loud giggling)

v) (Whispers in the back of the family truckster.) Oh, no. She’s listening to it again. Don’t you DARE say you like it or we’ll have to listen to it all the way to Grandbear’s house, because I personally cannot take The Best of ABBA for 45 minutes. Everyone shut up or she’ll sing! Oh, no, we’re only up to Dancing Queen, what is that, like track five? Shut up!

w) Muddy Waters. Yeah. Right. That’s not his real name either. Does anyone use their real name? Taylor Swift. Justin Bieber. At least in his song he’s singing, “I’m a Man”, so he’s definitely a man. So he SAYS. I want to see what he’s wearing to be sure.

x) Norah Jones. Hey, I think I’ve actually heard of her. This is like grocery store music. Like old music. Again. No, not again, it’s ALL been old music. You can’t dance to this. Harsh whisper to rear: SHUT UP or she’ll put the disco in, You Stupid Head!

y) Nuh-uh, she can’t be the Queen of Soul, because that’s me.

z) Can we please listen to Radio Disney now? Please?

Next, we’ll try movies and see if I fare any better.

Kindergarten Field Day at CCA

Before the lock in last night, I attended Field Day for Lilly's class (4K--all of the kindergarten classes at school). Now, these teachers are smart. No ribbons for performance, just one for participation. (Who wants to suffer through 100 crying, snotting preschoolers?) Field day is held in Alabama in April when it's only 85 degrees out. This is hot when standing in the sun and running to and fro dealing with toddlers, folks. Burning hot.

The Little Flower seemed to enjoy herself. Well, there was that one time where she sank to the grass and moaned, little hand over forehead, "I'm going to die if I don't get a drink." (Future Theater Major.) She also pretended to shake from head to toe when faced with the soccer ball kick, causing one mother to have a momentary flip out thinking that it was a seizure or something. No, no, just my weird kid. Figures.

I'm pretty sure a good time was had by all. All of the kindergarteners for sure.

The Lock In

At our church, the girls and boys in 1st through 6th grades participate in GAs (girls group) and RAs (boys group). These are the classes where we learn about participating in missions, and we have a well-rounded program of work projects and fun projects.

Last night was one of the "fun" projects ( fun if you were a 1st-6th grade girl, not if you were a 40-yr-old chaperone). We locked in with a sister church, Union Grove. So, last night Ms. Sherry (the other GA leader) and I (the Union Springs GA leader) combined resources and gathered our precious angels together in one place. They hosted this time (it'll be our turn in the fall if I actually live that long).

Basically, a lock in is where you cram 35 girls and three chaperones (because that's the maxium number of adults you can trick into this deal) into a church facility all night and see what happens. It's like Thunderdome out of Mad Maxx.  Who is the sick person who first said, "I have an idea--let's feed 35 elementary school aged girls pizza, cokes, chips, cookies, cupcakes, candy, chocolate, (and did I mention coke), and let them run crazy through the gym for 7 hours. Then we'll try to make them settle down on the FLOOR and go to sleep at 2:00 a.m. It'll be fun."

Now, we did do some good things--we wrote letters to the soldiers (which were entertaining in and of themselves.) The girls were told they could draw a picture if they couldn't write enough. On little girl had a mmorable letter. She wrote, "Thank you for fitting (sic) for our freedom. I love you. Thank you for being a soldier. Etc." Since she was out of words, the baby girl drew a photo of a man with a firearm and a dead guy bleeding out. (And I tried really, really hard not to laugh out loud when I saw it. I'm good that way. I can absolutely guarantee that one's going to be passed around and posted somewhere. See letter.)

We made missions money boxes for collecting tithe and missions money. We also played The Amazing Race (Sherry rocked it!), where the kids had to get into teams and do roadblocks and tasks before going to the next clue. It was organized so that each member had to participate equally. Clever, clever. This was a huge hit. However, in spite of all of those fabulous things, this morning, at 9:37 in the a.m., having been awake since yesterday morning at 6:00 in the a.m. I have compiled a list for your review.

Why I Shouldn't Participate in Lock Ins:

1) I am old. I am too old to sleep on a floor (or not sleep on the floor, but rather toss and turn on the floor, as the case may be). I am too old to be in a sleeping bag in the floor.

2) There isn't an air mattress that will adequately support 300 lbs. (well, close enough).

3) It never gets quiet enough at a lock in to actually sleep. Someone is snoring, pooting, giggling, whispering. Give it up. It's like some sort of sick survivor sleep deprivation endurance test.

4) If I have to watch Aquamarine or Disney animation or Emma Roberts or or Life Size any kind of remake of Cinderella ever again it will be one day too soon.

5) I ate an entire bag of Dorito Late Night Cheeseburger flavor chips. I would never, ever have done this if not for the lock in. I'm not even sure that I liked them. (curse it)

6) The Husband was a youth pastor for several years. How much purgatory is one person required to suffer?

7) I fed everyone popsicles for breakfast and was totally good with that.

Lilly's 5th B'day (shut up, I told you I was behind!)

Every year at Casa Johnson, we can only afford one big birthday bash. Some years, we've done Disney, so the kids have suffered through small, family birthday parties in order to blow all of our extra money in the actual parks. It's been a good compromise. But in normal years,  one child gets the Big Party, while the siblings get the Short End of the Stick. This is what the Short End of The Stick looks like aka Lilly's 5th B'day party. Store-bought cupcakes. And the big gift? A pair of furry flip flops. Par-tay. Well, it can't always be Disney World.

Sk8er Boi

Carter  (said like Vinnie Barbarino's Mr. Kotter, if you're in the know), is the coolest kid ever. We went tennis shoe shopping this spring, and the boy came around the corner in the lime green Chuck Taylor's. You know, sk8er boi shoes. Rocking the Converse. The lime green was a little shocking, so I asked him if he was sure he didn't want red or blue or something else. No, no, Mom, the green ones are awesome. Okay, if you're that confident and sure in your identity, lime green Converse it is.

All of the high school kids know who my son is--I just say, "You know, the kid with the lime green tennis shoes." The response is unanimous--"That's your son?!" (whispered in a hushed awe.) You have to be some more cool to pull off lime green shoes, Friends. That or delusional. Probably depends on the day. Were that all of my babies had this much self esteem and all around fabulousness. I wish the same for all of your Shorties!

Volleyball Twins, Activate!

Athletes? What? The Wonder Twins? (I know, it's shocking to me too.) But here they are in living color tearing up the volleyball court. We couldn't get it over the net or return a service, but we had really cool water bottles with our names on them, snacks every break time, got to ride the school bus to and from the tournament, and neat T-Shirts that indicated Volleyball Team Membership, and that's what really counts.

Field Day CCA Elementary

I lost my camera for a period of months and finally broke down and bought another one. Fortunately, I'm good about using several different memory cards, so I didn't lose most of my photos. Unfortunately, I'm bad about not uploading the photos, but letting them languish in Photo Purgatory on the memory card. I'll have to write posts from events that occured two years ago just to put the photos up. (Erg.) Sometimes I get so mad at myself! So, this is me, playing catch up (in reverse).

CCA Field Day...now, anyone who knows me understands that I'm a realist about my children. They aren't the smartest or most talented or best singers or best athletes or best at anything in particular (unless it's being funny, usually on accident). We just want them to be well rounded and apply themselves to the very best of their abilities and skill levels in every single thing that they do. God doesn't ask us to be the best at everything; He asks us to participate and use our particular skills and talents to His glory. So, we insist that if you get on the court, walk the runway, paint it, write it, sing it, run it, it better be all out with nothing held back.

Lainy was a little put out with herself at only winning one blue ribbon that was a shared victory (three-legged races are that way by there very nature), but she rallied when I indicated that she'd still beaten her sister in most events. (Ahh, the beauty of twin-ness.) I also reminded her that God had to spread the talents around--it wasn't fair to be the most beautiful and win everything. She recovered in light of those two facts.



Lainy and her athletic self getting ready for the 25-yd dash.

Elise and her girls.

Here is the Number One Son tearing it up in the relay race!