When you gotta go...

The next time my son tells me while we are in the middle of a church service that he has to go pee, I can assure you that I'll pay better attention.

We have a rule that the kids know they are supposed to go use the facilities between class and service (morning and evening). I took Carter to the potty right before the service started at 6:00 p.m., so at 6:50 when he started squirming and holding 'it' in the pew I told him to sit still and be quiet, that it would only be a few more minutes. Well, it was something like 20 more minutes (Bad Mommy), and I'd forgotten all about his situation. (Must have been that amazing sermon The Husband was delivering.)

The second the last word was prayed in the dismissal, Carter Big Boy went screaming out the side door of the sanctuary like he was on fire. In his panic to get to the potty, he went out the wrong side of the building. Finding himself out in the grass as far as he could possibly be from the bathroom two buildings over, he did the only thing that he could do in that precarious situation.

He whipped it out and let it rip.

So there stood the Number One Son making the Number One in the side yard of the church santuary just as everyone began exiting the building. Naturally, he was on the side that faces the parking lot too. So I don't want to hear one word of it the next time he tromps up the aisle in the middle of the preaching to go use the facilities. It beats taking a pee in the front yard of the church building. Ha-ha! (You can't make this stuff up.)

Batman

My son is going as Batman to our church Fall Festival this year. He has been so excited about this costume that I can't even tell it properly. He pets it, holds it, wears it the second he gets home from school until I force him to put on night clothes...the whole works. He's obsessed.

Unfortunately for him, so is his baby sister, Lillian. She covets that costume. She watches him intently every time he puts it on, persistently asking if she can "just twie it one time, Tar-tar".

Nothing doing. He's not giving that costume up to anyone, much less his pesky, destructive 3-yr-old sister. Not in this lifetime.

The other night after Carter fell asleep earlier than the other kids. Lily was still up and about and saw what must have appeared to her as a Sign From God--Carter sleeping beside the costume and not in or on top of the costume. She snuck that mask and cape out of his bed and rushed into my bedroom too giddy to speak, just shaking all over, still stealing glances over her shoulder, fearful that the sneaky mouse would be rudely ended with a screaming Carter chasing her.

She clutched the stolen cape tightly to her chest, giggling wildly, and hissed at me in a hot little whisper, "No, I not Lily, I BATMAN!"

The Land of Loxley

Thank goodness for Rest Stops!

This is going to have to be broken up into several posts because there is so much data to cover. We'll start with the Pig Roast in Loxley (simply because that seems to be as good a place as any to start). We left right after school and headed south to the town of Foley, which is renowned for two things: outlet shopping and Lambert's.

Lambert's is a family-style restaurant famous for being the "home of the throwed rolls". They literally fling huge rolls at you (with uncanny accuracy, might I add), undermining years of etiquette and table manners that you drilled into your children with one hurled baked good. The entire time we were in line to sit down, my 5-yr-old son kept asking, the doubt filling up his voice, "They are really going to throw the rolls at us?" Then the question inevitably followed, "Can we throw them back?"

Um, no, no you can't. And yes, the highlight was the roll throwing and catching. Of course, explaining that we don't do that at home with biscuits was a little tricky the first day back from the trip, but otherwise, lots of fun.

After Lambert's, we went back to the indoor pool at the hotel and made mischief until 10:00 p.m. The funniest part of this was watching the 15-20 or so people who were scoping out the pool through the glass wall in the hallway of the hotel and seeing their faces when they saw the mountain of kids running, screaming, splashing, swimming. You could read the mental, "Oh, wow, that's a lot of kids, no way are we going in there." So, we had the entire space to ourselves. (bonus)

The next day we got up around 9:00 and headed to the pig roast event on the farm. Now, we were on this trip with our Seniors group from church. The next morning, they wanted to depart the hotel for the farm at around 7:00. I made the lady organizing the event a deal. We wouldn't call her room at 11:00 p.m. if she wouldn't call our room at 7:00 a.m. So, no one complained when we breezed into the event at around 10:00 in the morning. :-)

We had a WONDERFUL time! It was so relaxing and quiet and beautiful. The house where we had the gathering is actually sort of a "play" house. It's a small two-bedroom with a large kitchen, eating area and deck right off of a pond. It's not where the owners live, they just use it for fun events. It couldn't have been more perfect for a big group.


The kids played in the yard, ran, yelled, fished, blew bubbles, and had an all-around marvelous time of it. The adults did much of the same activities. :-) Our hosts were so gracious and everything went well. We had a great time.

Now, to the part you are all really curious about, the pig. First, it wasn't roasted in the ground. They didn't happen to do it that way this time (although, in times past, I understand, they have buried the pig). This time, they used a gargantuan grill/smoker thing. To say that I wasn't totally prepared for what came out of that roaster is an understatement. Now, don't get confused, I'm all for the consumption of dead animals; it's just that I'm in the habit of seeing said dead animals on a Styrofoam tray under cellophane at the Winn Dixie and not WHOLE with the head and feet still attached lying on a big table. Ick. Double Ick.

Elaina, whose favorite food list begins with bacon, summed it up best when she pointed at the dead, smoked pig and leaned in close to me and whispered under her breath, "Yes, I know I love bacon, but I'm not eating a real pig."

And here is the Right Reverend Steve performing the Last Rites before we "consumed the sacrificial pig". Ugh. (And this photo is proof that I'm not the only 'goofy one' in our family. The kids can't help it--they come by it honestly.)



Now, I carry on, but Porky there tasted pretty good. :-) So did all of the side dishes and homemade desserts. Only one child refused to try it and she refuses to try a lot of things, so no big whoop. It was a lovely trip!

The State Fair

The Fair Photos. As you can see, we had a big time.

Elise and Elaina



Lily Bell--the most excited child at the fair. She couldn't wait to get on the rides. If she was taller, she'd have ridden them all by herself!

Lily and Daddy getting ready to fly...
Daddy and Carter Big Boy feeding the animals at the petting zoo.
Lily kept screaming, "Go! Go! Go!" on all of the rides.
And the Three Musketeers: Elaina, Emily, and Elise

Bid-ee-oh Dames

This is Lily "playing" video games with her cousin Jimmy. He's a Big Boy, and she was probably very irritating, so the clever kid gave her a controller that wasn't hooked up and she stood beside him and "played" the game for hours. Of course, she probably improved her skills by wearing binoculars, a cat eye mask, and a furry pink mitten on her left foot.

World Travelers

We are again on the road this weekend, going with the whole family to lower Alabama for a "luau" with the Senior Saints group from church--whatever in the world a luau in Foley, Alabama constitutes--something about burying a pig in the ground (just typing that makes me feel faint).

Never having been to a pig roast, I'm not sure exactly what happens, but the title is descriptive enough I guess. World travel ain't got nothin' on me. I done been to Foley for Pig Roast. I should make a shirt.

I told The Husband when he was called to preach and into the ministry that Jesus Christ Himself was going to have to appear in the living room to get me on the mission field. God had the last laugh on that deal since I'm clearly on the mission field in a land where they eat animals cooked in dirt. I jest, it's going to be lots of fun playing on the farm with the kids as long as I can distract them from the fact that we are eating Wilber. :-) (Note to self: pick up chicken nuggets on way to farm.)

Speaking of odd things...we are new to our area, so every day is a new adventure. We recently discovered a horse auction place with a cafe that's very close to our house. We drove by and began discussing what goes on there, and Elaina asked who would want to eat a horse at a cafe, adding that she'll be having none of that, not even with barbecue sauce on it.

When I tried to explain that they sell horses, but you eat regular food, she asked, "How do you know that for sure?" Ummmm...hmmmm...well...

Then Elise piped up from the back, "Who can eat with stinking horses everywhere? They poop right in front of you. Gross."

Okay then. I think we can safely cross "Big Animal Vet" off of the prospective career choices for the Johnson Girls.

Hannah We-Can't-Afford-It Montana

Okay, here is a meaningless tirade for you...I may have touched on this with (most of) you before briefly, but here it is again.

I tried to get tickets to see Hannah Montana to take the twins as a Christmas gift. If you live under a lack-of-culture rock, she's actually Miley Cyrus (Billie Ray Cyrus' daughter) who has a show on Disney Channel that is HUGE with girls 5-13 years of age. My girls mark their calendar for the new shows and can't wait. I mean the girls are fans to the extent that when Billie Ray Cyrus had a seizure, er, I mean "danced" (stomped around like he was putting out a campfire) on the Dancing with the Stars show last season, the girls didn't miss a single episode because he's on the Hannah Montana show playing his real daughter's pretend father. (I told you they were fans as in fanatics--I know way too much about this show.)

So, I saw the ad go out that she was playing in Nashville and Atlanta, and I immediately marked my planner for the sale date, got on the presale list by joining her fan club (also known as one of the stupidest ways for a 37-yr-old woman to spend money), etc. I did everything that I could do to ensure that I got tickets to one of those shows.

All three venues relatively near our house sold out in about five minutes. So, being completely defeated (even after getting up early and sitting by the computer with my phone in one hand and credit card in the other hand), I started looking for broker tickets. This is where I almost become violently just thinking about it. To get a single ticket all by its lonesome in a nosebleed section, they start at $150.00 and go to about $300.00. To get three/four tickets together in the stinky sections, they start at $400.00 a ticket.

To get reasonably "good" tickets, three together, they start at $900.00 a ticket.

To get on the floor or on the sides up near the stage, try $2500.00 a ticket. The tickets sold originally from Ticketmaster the day they went on sale at $26.00 second level, $36.00 on the sides, and $66.00 on the floor in the first 10 rows!!!! Are you kidding me?

It's a children's concert, for goodness sake. It made me sick that I couldn't take them, but only a complete moron would pay that to see Hannah Montana. (Apologies to all of the complete morons who did pay that to see Hannah Montana.) It's a CABLE show, for crying out loud. Sheesh. And I'm not the only one freaking out about this injustice. It's all over editorials on the Internet.

Steve wanted to know who all was getting A Sister Sunshine Charlotte Letter this week. I'm pretty sure that I have that covered now. Ha-ha! I told him that it's probably a conspiracy plot by the same jerk people who put on the movie trailer for 30 Days of Night (a vampire movie complete with throats being torn out and blood splattering everywhere) during the 7:00 family hour (Go see the movie trailer and you'll know why Carter Big Boy hasn't slept in his own bed for over a week. Stupid movie people.) You can bet your bohonkus they are getting a letter too. (I'm probably on some government list by now.) Ha!

The good news is that Disney is filming the concert in 3D and will release it as a movie in February 2008 so that we can go see it for $7.50 a person instead of $2,500.00 a person. Whew. Crisis Averted. Now that’s a load off. (I should have called this blog “Are You Kidding Me?”)